The democracy of age

Have you ever seen a woman for a distance - hell, even a few metres away - and thought "I have no idea how old that woman is"? She's fit, classically dressed and has terrific hair - she could be anywhere from 27 to 48.

Then you get a little closer. The key is in the lips.

Because you can tell a botoxed pair of peckers. A little too taught, looking like lymph and globby fat is about to ooze out the seam between regular face skin and the pink mucous membrane of the lip. A Madame Tussaud's kisser.

And for reasons known only to dermatologists and witches, the lips are the first part of the body to show age. (Actually, the aged appearance is due to lip skin being particularly thin, and not having the usual protection layer of sweat and body oils which keep skin smooth. Thanks Wikipedia. Wink.)

Simply put, the lips don't lie. You can't dress them up in black cashmere or crust them in foundation. Like rings on a tree trunk, the wrinkles on the lips give the game away. And if you think you can beat the system, the only remedy - botox - is so glaringly obvious you may as well wear a spangly tracksuit and a bum bag.

Embrace the age, people. Love the lip wrinkles.

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When Geeks Go...Geekier

I'm lucky enough to see previews of films from time to time with the premise of reviewing them. The films generally aren't the studio cash cows, but a surprising number of times I see an out-of-the-way release that is genuinely extraordinary. Fanboys - the ode to ritualised Star Wars obsession - is not one of those films.

It is reasonably entertaining, but I haven't quite resolved the contradiction that a film celebrating the appropriation of Hollywood by the suburban masses could be so, well, Hollywood. It is a classic teen road movie superimposed with a particular kind of nerdiness, where the Holy Grail isn't a tumble in the back of a van with a high school fantasy girl but a sneak peek at the new Star Wars instalment.
If you're a fan, you'll love it. If not, you'll be entertained but be left feeling a bit uncomfortable with how the filmmakers managed to feed their hard-won obsession straight back into the machine.

Anyway, the screening was noteworthy not for the film but the company in the cinema. There were two guys behind me when I arrived - not reviewers but possibly bloggers - both in Star Wars T-Shirts with one sporting a Lucasfilms bomber jacket and the other a long black trench coat.

They were talking about the new Star Trek film - the revamped, youthful, effects-laiden, sexy new Star Trek film - and one guy said to the other:

Its like they took all the nerdy stuff about the original series, put it in a separate folder and pressed CTL, ALT, DEL.

I was paralysed. Gobsmacked. The layers of irony were more than my puny little man could handle. More than the filmmakers of Fanboys could ever have pulled together.

It was, quite simply, the most awesome moment of my cinema-going life.

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Grizzly Air

I’m not great with flying. The vast improbability that thousands of tonnes of metal and people won’t fall out of the sky always plays on my mind. But when the alternative is eleven hours sweating it out in a jalopy on the Hume, I can suspend my disbelief. Especially for the bargain price equivalent to two tanks of fuel.

What I find less easy to resolve myself to is why budget airline seats have a recline function. This isn’t long haul, deep vein thrombosis territory – this is a morning jaunt up the east coast in time for a breakfast meeting.

No one needs to sleep. No one needs to recline. There aren’t any gold-leaf clad virgins coming to feed anyone peeled grapes.

The fact is that on a standard domestic flight I have between ten and fifteen centimetres space between my knees and the seat in front. With the seat in front reclined the space disappears. I can’t wriggle forward. I smell the Rogain on the guy in front’s bald spot. I have to suck in my gut to get the tray table down. And I’m not even particularly large. It. Is. Ridiculous.

I just can’t understand how the market research geniuses paid six figure sums to lure passengers haven’t figured out that the small factor of comfort afforded the asshole that reclines the whole flight is infinitely negated by the frustration of passengers pinned to their pleather seats like unwitting UFC warm-up acts.

Or maybe the responsibility is less on the airline and more on the individual who places their own luxury above others’ comfort. People who might well hold the door open for an elderly shopper at the department store will crush a fellow flyer on the Melbourne to Brisbane without so much as a thought. For some reason the air is sanctified space. It’s like flying is still such a novelty, such an unlikely way to casually travel, that passengers have an entitlement complex reserved for the privileged few.

Whatever people. It is time to herald change. Enough of the Me First culture of the air. For the price we’re paying there isn’t much space. We all have to manage.

Suck it up and keep it upright.

Thankyou for flying.

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I finally realised why I hate Napoleon Dynamite so much...

How many super-cool kids did you see wearing 'Vote For Pedro' t-shirts in the early noughties? Behind the velvet rope at every nightclub sidewalk line on a Saturday night, among every clutch of faux-hawked and bleck-tipped lads at least one deliberately-distressed tee emblazoned with the Napoleon D reference. If you listened in carefully to those trendy kids, over the course of the night you might have even picked up the odd "GOSH!" among the homophobia and expletives.

Napoleon Dynamite made nerdy cool. It crossed cultural and sub-cultural divides, and had everyone cheering for the hopelessly daggy. And along the way, while the kids were laughing and rooting for Napoleon, nerdy got appropriated by cool. It isn't bona fide nerdiness, but that doesn't seem to matter when t-shirt sales are at stake.

And I'm not ok with it. I'm very fucking un-ok with it. Nerdy isn't cool - nerdy is the antithesis of cool. The existence of nerdy defines cool. Geeky might be able to straddle the gulf of cultural improbability into cool, but nerdy is and forever will be outside of cool. Those punks in their nightclub lines have no right to nerdy. Even the vasaline-lensed, quaint and redemptive kind of nerdy that 'Vote For Pedro' symbolises.

Cool kids get everything else. They're not allowed to have nerdy too. Not on my watch.

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Growing old gracefully...

How many gazelles die of natural causes?

Has there ever, in the history of the wild plains of Africa, been a gangly old leaper who met its ultimate demise through old age (which apparently is something like oxidization poisoning enough cells that the whole system just gives up)?

Probably how they get their reputation as being graceful - they never get all geriatric and farty and crooked and slow.

They just get eat'n.

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Super Amazing Vocabulary Time!

SUPER AMAZING REAL WORD: Fecundity.
I've seen this word written and heard it used a bunch of times. Maybe at some stage I figured out what it means by the context in which it was used. I hear it now and still think of the bulkheads of tankers, or the rusty iron filings in a jar. The correct usage however would be to describe the fruitfulness of something or the high level fertility of animal or vegetable (not so much mineral).
In a sentence; "The fecundity of the Belgian countryside goes some way to redeeming the barren cultural landscape."

I-CAN'T-BELIEVE-ITS-A-REAL-WORD WORD: Ironical.
Apparently, it means EXACTLY the same thing as 'ironic'. And it sounds stupid.

NOT, IN FACT, A WORD: Alcopop.
You can't just pick two words, put them together to describe something new, and then talk about the new thing in parliament with a straight face. You just can't.

Words are cool. Tell your friends.

One HD - Best. Station. Ever.

When one is a creature of leisure (as is your good author at present), one must be careful to avoid saturation in the inane drivel of daytime television. Cliff-like cheekbones and brick jawlines can only distract anyone for so long from the stupefying abortion of the senses that is the procession of Soaps and Talk Shows.

With all due respect to Ellen (who acquits herself with wry humour and admirable understatement considering the hoards of screaming banshees populating her audience), every time I manage to extricates myself from the vortex of daytime programming, I come away at least 9% dumber. Yet somehow, just when I thought I was out (of this terrible and intellectually corrosive habit) they pull me back in.

Well, no more my friends! The merchants of hype and hysteria and celebrity decorating tips can find a new bunny to boil! For I have One HD!

Sport, sport and more glorious sport. Hours upon hours of basketball, football and surfing by which to whittle away the daytime hours. Why, just this morning I was choking back the sick welling in my throat watching Dr Phil crucify some already-beleaguered simpleton when, during a fortuitously placed commercial break, I flicked to the replay of a 2008 ASP world surfing tour event.

The joy! The sanctuary! I could marvel at the skill and camaraderie of elite athletes sunning themselves in the South of France instead of peeling myself away from revelry in the desperation of a blinkered world.

Sure, I could read a book. I could sort out my tax. But some days are consolidation days. Getting back on top of life, mentally and physically. Now on such days I have an option for mindless entertainment that won't surreptitiously leech my moral and intellectual fibre.

Thank you One HD. Thank you for the time we will spend together.

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